Coming out to myself and my wife

This personal story has been submitted by someone who prefers to be known as ‘Mr Happy’. As he says, his choice of pseudonym “describes my current personality”. Mr Happy talks about his journey to finding his identity as bisexual and then discovering polyamory, both of which have resulted in him finding self-acceptance and happiness within himself and his marriage.

Coming out to myself was an epiphany as up to that point I thought I was gay and just hiding. Having been married to a beautiful loving woman for many years I had a deep guilt that I was just using her to hide the fact that I secretly found men attractive. Don’t get me wrong, we have had many fantastic years together and through that whole time I never regretted getting married or being married but I had a deep dark secret that ate away at me year after year that I secretly would look at men sexually and fantasise about them during masturbation.

To me at that time, monogamy was the only way of life and to express my desire for men and that would mean that I would have to live the gay life and I never wanted that. I love my wife, and I love my kids and giving that up to express my sexual desire seemed too high a price for me to pay.

Several years ago my desire came to a head when I had sexual encounter with a man in a park and in a matter of a few moments my world came tumbling down in my head. After the encounter I felt such overwhelming guilt that it ate away at me and within a few weeks I was a psychiatric hospital being treated for severe anxiety and depression. It took me two solid years to come to terms with what I had done, and how it felt to me. Coming to terms with myself was first through meditation to calm my nerves, then trying to understand my sexuality by reading, as I felt that I could not talk to anybody about my inner loneliness and fear of rejection by my wife.

My eventual salvation came when I read a book called “Bisexual Option” by Fritz Klein, and realised (insert epiphany here) that it is normal for many men to have the same feelings. After reading this book I felt the strength to talk to my wife about my feelings and the reason why I had my breakdown. It was during this conversation, which only lasted a few seconds that my life changed and my journey to self acceptance came to completion. My wife was so understanding of my feelings and my desires. It was like having the worries of the world lifted off my shoulders and being allowed to float freely and not feel guilt. I was able to have my feelings of desire for men and to be able to talk to someone who was close to me and who loved me dearly.

Soon after that I went to this group (Bi Chat) and discovered that I was not the only one with my feelings. Through discussions with the group and listening to people’s life stories I came to realise that with the right amount of communication and openness that polyamory is the way for me. It allows  me to retain my wonderful loving relationship with my wife but also to express my emotional and sexual desire to be with a man. My life is so full of love and happiness now that I am able express it without fear or guilt. My wife and I are now able to communicate so openly that it feels natural to talk about my sexual desire for men and know that she still loves me dearly and passionately. The sexual and emotional desire we have for each other has only increased since coming out to my wife, and I love it.

Received 9 June 2013