A journey that stopped at being bi

Steve shares his journey of finding his sexuality, which spans over a decade, till he finally found that he was attracted to men and women.

My first boyfriend was a mate I grew up with, we reached puberty and it went sexual. When he moved away I was devastated to lose my love, and it took quite a while to open up to anyone again.

I then dated a few girls and enjoyed fitting in to the “normal” stereotype and having so much in common with the people around me. However this enjoyment was shortlived as so many of the people around me were so shallow and materialistic that any out of the ordinary aspirations I had were deemed “very strange”, and I felt like the outcast again. So I blocked it all out by being part of an outlaw motorcycle club hoping that my “tough” exterior would mask the confusion I felt inside. Motorcycles gave me a natural “high” that helped me cope with life and the stresses in it, but underneath it all I felt like I was betraying myself and my true identity.

I was living with a woman, but I was an empty shell, she was aware of this and blamed herself for the demise of our relationship. It came to a crunch when she told me she wanted to get married. When I thought about it was the last thing I wanted. So I told her I wanted to find out who I was and date men again.

Then I met a bisexual couple and I found myself living again! It was fantastic to be able to have sex with both genders and completely enjoy each others company!

At this point I need to tell you I have a gay uncle, who was like a constant counsellor as I was growing up. Anytime I needed advice or simply to get away from it all I would go and stay with him and his partner and we would talk for hours and it was always an enjoyable time.

I had time to go and visit my uncle and explain to him I thought I was bisexual, to which he replied,”Bisexuals simply haven’t made their mind up yet as to whether they are gay or straight”.

Me, being young and trusting of my family, I went away and had a think about this, I rationalized that I was more comfortable living with a woman, therefore I must be straight, and enjoying sex with men must just be a result of my high sex drive. So I ended up getting married and had a daughter.

When I met my wife I was on the verge of telling her about my past when she mentioned that she hated bisexuals because their promiscuity was the cause of many spreading STDs and that they broke up marriages. So I figured that since I was now heterosexual the past really didn’t matter and life would be great from now on!

In my marriage I never felt right, it was certainly great to have someone wonderful in my life, and having my daughter was the best thing I have ever done but there was something not right. My wife, being as perceptive as she is, brought this up and asked me if I was gay. I told her about my first boyfriend, and that I was still attracted to men. It was a very liberating experience, and because it felt so right and so free I assumed I had got it wrong when I “decided” to be heterosexual. When my uncle told me to make a choice, I just assumed I made the wrong one and now I “knew” I was gay that made life so much simpler. I “came out” to all my friends and family, joined support groups and socialized with other gay men. To her credit, my ex wife and I were able to reach an agreement where she could stay in my house and we would share care of our daughter so that she could have both parents with her all the time.

So again, life is good for me, I am a gay man enjoying life not worrying about what people think and just doing my own thing. I had a few issues with ego and not wanting to appear gay, but I learned to simply be myself and whatever anyone else thought was there business, not my issue. So, I am gay, I like sex with men, I want a man in my life……..so why the f**k am I still attracted to women????

This attraction to both sexes will just not leave me the f**k alone to be in peace with a socially acceptable identity!!!! It was driving me nuts! I spoke to a trusted friend about it, because my gay friends did not understand, my straight friends thought I needed professional help, and my family didn’t want to know about it! Ironically at this point I am at my uncles one day and I reminded him of his words some 10 years before about bisexuals, and he was horrified that he had said such a thing because it was not what he believed!!!! I spent 10 years of my life living a lie, messing up other peoples lives based on some advice that for him was not accurate……..f**k that hurt!!!!!

So, back to my trusted friend, he explained bisexuality as the ability to love all people totally and completely, and that this ability is not only rare but very special because it means
I can find my true soul mate because gender is not an obstacle.

Where am I now? Well, I am Steve, nothing more nothing less, basically I am who I am, do not believe in labels or stereotypes, love and accept everyone for who they are and I am content with that. There are many aspects of my life I have worked on and looked at to get to where I am including spirituality, personal growth, my values and so on. I don’t believe you can develop as an individual if you do not develop ALL parts of who you are, and be comfortable with your true self. To me life is a journey, it never stops and we never arrive it is constant evolution because if you stop evolving you are not living just existing.

I do not regret anything that has happened in my life, because it got me to where I am and I have the choice, we all have the choice, to be happy or to be miserable…….what more do we need?

Received 21 June 2013